Ever since the day you left this earth something changed. It shook the foundation of everything I knew. I can remember the day ignoring phone calls from friends because I was at work prolonging receiving the news of your passing. I did not know what to do with myself. I felt lost and alone and worst if I felt blame. I racked my memory for hints of your sorrow, did the sadness I had to have ignored.. What kind of friend am I ? How could I have missed this. We had such deep conversations and only twice did you mention death. One you were curious about it and two your fathers passing played a big role. Still what did I miss. My letter to you , an apology and my everylasting commitment to a friendship:
I am sorry. I am sorry for being a 17-18 yr old girl who didn’t take the time to truely listen to her friend. I’m sorry for being jealous of you when I first met you because it felt like you were stealing my best friend away from me. I am sorry because of me that one person made your life hell. Because of me you lost friends, trust and were bullied. I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I knew the pain you were feeling. Im so sorry I can’t express that enough . My feel like a part of me died with you . The ability to have solid friendships because I’m afraid , the ability to trust someone is telling me the truth, and the willingness to standup for someone or something. Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting and I wonder how you must have felt. I never ment to turn my back on you and I wish I would have called you before you went away. I am eternally sorry for everything and I can only hope you have found peace. I love you
Whoever thought the day would come when I would not be up on the latest craze. When I go on Pinterest and see younger kids interest and I think ” wow , what the fuck is wrong with them”. I never thought that day would come . Being a young angsty teen myself we liked weird things, music, multicolor hair, and strange outfits. I still rock the multicolor hair but I wonder when society thinks I should give that up. Is there a point when things like that stop being cool. I honestly could care less what people think or say but I wonder if everyone takes a look in the mirror and tells themselves it’s time to grow up. It feels so strange looking in and not understanding what is so interesting about what teenagers like. Why are pastels so big? When did raving come back? Plur or whatever they call themselves. Kids who don’t even know who Lisa frank is are rocking that shit. Why are mermaids cool ? Lolita? And so much drugs use … I mean I kinda get this one everyone does it . But someone clue me in .
I am starting a blog because there are certain things I need to get off my chest and not put it all on pat. I tend to overthink things or create problems where there are none .. But this is my attempt to keep same and let my anxiety go. As of right now I am a year away from graduating at kent state with my bachelors. I hold my esthetician license and multiple extra hours I have devoted to a skin company. I was working at a spa in canton but the drive became to much and I was putting all of my paycheck into my gas tank. I had to find another job which lead me to the flaming ice cube where I love my job and am trying to learn as much as I can of what is expected of me. I am waiting till I am 24 so I can return to school online at SWIHA where I will get a degree is transformational mind body psychology. Which is amazing and so exciting. Pat is in a nursing program where he will be a STNA. PCT, EKG, and phlebotomist and plans in furthering his education afterwards.
The question that is racking my mind right now is how do people young couples and old survive? I really feel like in high school besides the basic stuff you need to learn they should teach us valuable lessons such as : what to do with your life ? Money management . Time management . How to make difficult choices . What do you do if no one is helping pay for college and you have to work full time but you can’t focus on both things? These are all questions I have no answers to. I feel like I’m trapped in some sort of swirling bubble and no one an hear can hear me scream . I just want to work and do what I love. I want to make money and live a good life . I am not asking for a lot of money I want to live within my means be comfortable. I feel like we will never get there. Does one person in the relationship always have to sacrifice something for things to work? Is there always someone who is going to be unhappy but have to deal with it. Why can’t things be easier. Some people say your twenties are the best time.. Whoever says that I want I ask them how and why. As of right now these are the worst years of my life and I’m 23 when is it going to get better ?
This is my favorite Suprised Patrick gif
Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra, Guys and Dolls (Dir: Joseph Mankiewicz, 1955)
Guys and Dolls (1955)